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In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

As-salam `alaykum Sweet Sister,

I truly feel your struggles in my own heart as I am aware of how devastating addiction to destructive behaviors can ultimately place a marriage relationship on “hold”.

His 'Escapism'

Your husband is retreating and there is no communication. He is not able to be present with you as he is consumed by this nightmare of escapism that he has become trapped in.

Indeed, part of addiction is an overwhelming fear of being present in one’s own life, in the here and now, tuned in, and facing one’s emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical/situational/practice problems. People who are afflicted with addictions often do not have the coping skills that they need in order to work through the problems that are overwhelming them.

Your Counter Addiction

The people who love such individuals usually crave intimacy and a connection with that person, but cannot get that need met. This can cause a ‘counter addiction'.  In this type of relationship, such as in a marriage, the person who is not addicted to the destructive behavior or substance becomes addicted to the marriage partner…always trying to get something from that person that the addict cannot give.

It makes sense that this would happen. Human beings cannot survive without companionship, friendship, attention, connection and love. And, we marry with the hope and belief that many of these needs will be met through the marriage. But, when we are married to an addict, those needs cannot be met through the marriage with the addict marriage partner. This is a very sad truth, but it is truth.

Solution: Shift Your Focus

Shifting your focus on healthy ways to get these needs met by becoming active in your community and making healthy friendships is a very good beginning for your own personal road to recovery.

Honor your own soul and acknowledge that you have been traumatized by this situation and that yes, your husband has hurt you, even if he doesn’t have a clue that this is the consequence of his actions. Remember, he is not “present” with you, and he can’t be. It is a form of mental illness.

Attend healthy Spiritual and Faith Based Functions, make friends, and focus on developing your own skills and talents. This will help you meet many of the needs that you were hoping to have met in your marriage.

Good for Both of You

Sometimes, an addict senses that they cannot take the person that loves them for granted when she/he begins her/his own personal journey of soul recovery. This can cause some anxiety in the addict. The good news is that this might facilitate the addict's process and move his/her own progress toward the contemplation stage (see stages of recovery website below). Whether this happens or not, at least you will be a “soul survivor”.

You are correct in making the wise decision to shift your focus on yourself and becoming a stronger woman and moving forward with your own personal growth.  Porn addiction, like any addiction is very hard to overcome. Your husband is not ready to change. And, you are correct in acknowledging that you have done all that you can do to help him and that for now, there is nothing more you can do.

Know About Addiction

I would like you to review information on the stages of change for people who are afflicted with addictions. There are several websites online that describe Prochaska and diClemente's Stages of Change.

This website has a table posted where you can see the stages of change and the most effective approach to you with the individual who is afflicted with the addiction: http://www.stepupprogram.org/docs/handouts/STEPUP_Stages_of_Change.pdf

It is helpful to have a working definition of addiction in your own mind as you continue to live with a person whom you love and whom is also addicted to a behavior and/or substance. Here is a definition that I find helpful.

Addiction: The negative end state of a syndrome (of neurobiological and psychosocial causes) resulting in continued or increasing repetitive involvement despite consequences and conscious efforts to discontinue the behavior. Addiction to any particular substance or behavior is seen mainly as a matter of personal vulnerability, exposure and access, and the capacity to produce a desirable shift in mental state.

This definition was originally formulated by Howard J. Shaffer, Ph.D., C.A.S.Harvard Medical School, Division on Addictions. - Retrieved 1/26/2012: http://www.addictioninfo.org/articles/11/1/Stages-of-Change-Model/Page1.html

Please feel free to continue writing in with your questions related to this addiction. I pray that this response has been helpful. Remember ALLAH loves you and you deserve to be happy.

To read the first part of the question, please visit the following link:

• How to Help My Husband Out of Porn Addiction?