OnIslam.net

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

As-salaamu `alaiykum dear sister,

Your story really saddens me, not because it is about divorce but because of the extent of abuse that you are tolerating in the name of “not letting shaytan win”.  I find it a personal fault of my own and that of our community’s that we have let divorce have such stigma, that women will suffer to such great depths rather than leave their marriage and live respectable and happy lives.

I will begin to answer your question by saying that divorce is not haraam in Islam. I would attribute our community’s dislike for divorce to the misogyny that accompanies many of the misunderstandings that are embedded in it regarding women’s roles. Divorce is one of them-many people foolishly believe that divorce is more shameful than abuse; a woman staying in a demeaning relationship is better for her than leaving.

Secondly. many women in these types of situations already know what the answer to their problems is. It seems that you do as well. You open up your question recognizing that you are being treated in an abusive manner.

Abuse is not a word to be used lightly. Occasional abuse (i.e. when one occasionally reacts in a manner that can be labeled abusive but is predominantly a loving/respecting partner) is different than chronic abuse (i.e. when one is constantly treating others in a way to threaten, intimidate and control them).

You clearly know that you are being treated in a chronically abusive way; not only physical but also emotional. You recognize that it’s an emotional rollercoaster since when he is nice you tend to believe that things are fine until he gets “offended” again.

I wonder- if anyone treated him the way he is treating you-would he find that offensive? Would he find it offensive to have feces thrown at him? Would he find it offensive if another hit him and threatened t o leave him constantly?

Being offended has more to do with the person being offended than with the person offending. Words are subjective and thus understood subjectively. If one is purposely offending another (i.e. purposely trying to hurt your feelings like he is to you), then being offended is understandable. Other times it is usually a matter of miscommunication and misunderstanding. People generally do not want to be offensive.

You recognize that you aren’t a saint and are not expected to do things perfectly-I wonder, however, why you expect him to understand your ability to make mistakes but do not expect this from Allah? Walking out of an abusive marriage is not a mistake; but even if it is - just for the sake of argument- do you think that Allah will deem that you “failed”? Especially considering that divorce is not, and never has been, haraam.

Perhaps you may give more thought to what success and failure mean. Is being in an unhappy, abusive relationship success or failure? Is living an unhappy life with a shattered self image, even if one is married, success?

I think that you know what you need to do. Perhaps you feel that due to your husband's upbringing he has suffered a lot and his behavior is understandable. Perhaps his behavior is explainable/understandable but it is not justifiable or acceptable.

Your responsibility, Islamically and ethically is to protect yourself and your faith. Protection is not just physical but also emotional and psychological.

Alhamdulillah you do not have any children with this man-imagine raising a child who idealizes your husband as their father? Imagine raising a child that ends up thinking that your husband’s treatment of you is the appropriate way to treat a woman?

I understand that you may feel having a child would offer some warmth in your situation and you may not feel so alone, but raising a child is very difficult job and though the first few years may offer cute hugs and kisses, as children get older their treatment of parents can also become abusive if they aren’t taught the proper way. In your situation, I doubt your children would have learnt the proper way to treat others.

If your situation is truly as you have stated-that your husband reacts abusively every time he feels offended and in his abuse he hits you, screams at you, hurts you and throws demeaning and disgusting things at you- then I have to advise you to seek protection from this man and stand up for yourself.  Look at your move not as failure but as success for yourself and all women who suffer needlessly. Look at your move as standing up for justice and righteousness.

And Allah truly knows best.

For further guidance and help, please visit the following links:

• MUSLIM ADVOCACY NETWORK AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
• Domestic Violence Programs Serving Muslim Communities
• Muslim Forums on Women’s Issues: A Resource Directory
• Husband Abusive but I'm Ashamed to Divorce Again
• She Is Scared to Be With Him and Scared to Leave
• Psychologically Harmed, Shall I Get Divorced?