Question and answer details
|I am writing this question in the hope to get answered. My father and mother had been married 27 years ago and had been living a happy life, till 2003 when my grandmother died. During her last time she had been looked after by my mother. She took good care of her death, at that time my father had been in Saudi Arabia and my mother in Pakistan. Just 3 days before her death my mother once told my dad that now it is becoming difficult and he took it in a way that now she has become fed up of his mother so she has said so and decided to come back to Pakistan to take care of her mother and since then the condition is getting worse every day.Now he comes to Pakistan once in a year but his attitude towards my mother is very bad, he thinks that she always has been disloyal with his family, she always tries to take him against his family which is not actually true.And the worst part of the whole story is that he is blaming her for giving his money secretly to her brother and stating that he has given millions and billions of his money to her brother and his son for business though he has no proof of whatever he is saying.He is no more in contact with my mother; he has been avoiding her for the last 5 years. When he is in Pakistan he is bound to talk to her because they live in same home and also he can't show upon others what he is doing with his wife. But even then he uses taunting words, while talking, addressing someone else and taunting her. He is behaving very badly with my mom's brother and his son, he doesn't talk to them either.We all, children and our mother have tried hard to convince him that whatever he is thinking is wrong but he is not willing to admit it. He is waiting for some punishment from Allah to come upon my mom, and in mean while he is himself punishing and torturing her a lot in this way. My mother has become a stomach patient, her health is going down day by day, she does not show her problem to any one, not even to her brother about whom she has been asked for theft as she is not very much hopeful about him also.Her parents are not alive so she cannot discuss her problem with them also and she has no place to go if she leaves my father's house. And also she is worried about our marriages as she thinks that it is difficult for the daughters to get married if their mother has been separated from the father and yes it is a common custom in the Pakistani society.In such situation, what does Islam suggest a woman to do, should she take divorce from her husband without caring of her family, her children and her society or should she silently keep on tolerating this mental torture?Isn't it part of zulm (unfairness) to keep quiet at it? I am very keen to get answer to this question as it is a matter of not just one person but a whole family. Please reply to my question. Jazak Allah kheir.|
|Dr. ‘Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah|
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful….
Assalamu `alaikum sister,
I’m sorry to hear about the situation with your family. From the way you state it, it sounds as if it all started when your mother complained to your father about her having to take care of his mother. Is that true?
It seems strange to me that he would do all these things merely because she mentioned to him that it was getting hard to care for his mother. If it is the case, however, it sounds as if that really hurt your father for some reason. Perhaps he felt that your mother wasn’t doing her duty as a wife in caring for his mother?
I think it would be good, if at all possible, to try and understand your father better. Who is the closest with him in the family? Figure out who it is and try to get to the bottom of it. Try and find out why your father is so bitter towards your mother.
Then, as a family, with your siblings and uncles and aunties or whoever else is involved, try to come up with a way of intervening as a group. Try and identify where the miscommunication lies, where the false assumptions are, where the hurt feelings are, etc., and try and come together as a family and address each issue. Make the best use of relationships – if it’s difficult to get through to your father then find someone whom he respects deeply to talk with him.
These situations are never easy sister, and of course no one wants to see their parents divorce. If, in fact, your mother was wrong to say some of the things she did (and I’m not saying that’s the case, but if you conclude that it is) then ask her to apologize to your father as it may just be that he feels hurt over what happened with his mother.
Either way, you have to get to the bottom of what’s really going on inside both your parents, and then sacrifices/compromises may have to be made, which you (the family as a group) can help them realize.
Don’t take it solely upon yourself to do this, but make it a family mission. And always trust and rely on Allah first and foremost for help and guidance. Don’t make any decision without first asking for Allah’s help and blessings with the goal always for what is pleasing to Him.
A family re-uniting for the sake of unity and love is definitely something pleasing to Allah, so ask for His help and then accept whatever comes to pass as according to His divine wisdom… Please feel free to follow up with us if need be.
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