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Looking for more than what meets the eye

Question and answer details
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Looking for more than what meets the eye
2002-12-11
I got engaged two months ago. It was a traditional engagement but I got to talk to the guy for like two weeks before we got engaged and after talking to him and getting a general idea of who he is I accepted his proposal. I was really scared at the beginning and I wasn’t sure if he was the right guy for me but he's a good guy and I love him for who he is not for his money but I still have doubts about my feelings for him. I mean he's not cute but he's not ugly. At the beginning I didnt care about his appearance but now I sometimes think "he's not cute" and stuff like that and other times I change my mind. I'm just confused and scared about my future life with him...he's a responsible person and i dont doubt his love for me but i'm scared that things will be different when we get married! Help me PLEASE!!!
Hwaa Irfan
Answer
As-salaam wa alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakat my dear sister.

Before we go any further let us look at your feelings towards him.

- Ask yourself what is it that you like about him? Whilst considering this question focus on his behavior, his beliefs, how he treats you, his likes and dislikes and his personality in general.

- Then ask yourself, what can he offer you in terms of a marital relationship, friendship, as a husband, a brother and as a lover.

- Then ask yourself what is it do you dislike about him? Are those characteristics passable or annoying and to what extent are they annoying?

- Then ask yourself, what do you have to offer him? Are you prepared to consider his feelings, discuss issues, come to a compromise? Can you be there for him when he needs you and vice versa?

When you have worked through these questions, take a look again and see what weighs in the balance of going forward with the marriage and what works against the idea of marrying him. What are the major factors for and against. While you are pondering on these aspects take a look at Janet.

Janet was experiencing a crisis in her life as a result of years of a wrong self-perception. She went to see Edgar Cayce, a healer. The issue was love. She thought “Of course it’s a good feeling to give or receive love, but more than that, it brings out the best in a person!” She suddenly realized something then said: “There is more to me than love – I’m smart too!” She continued “ If there is a God then God wouldn’t just be love like some people say but a knowing love, a love that was intelligent! Its like, I want to what’s best for my daughter and just loving her is not enough – I have to really know her to love her as best as I can. It is the two together that makes the magic. By itself love can just be a warm feeling, while knowing by itself can be critical like an eye staring at you. What I am talking about is like a heart and an eye combined… seeing with the heart, knowing with love”.

When you say you love him, is it just a warm feeling or is it more than that? Is it a love that considers the details of your life and one that can iron out the creases of the relationship with mutual effort? Remember you said: “At the beginning I didnt care about his appearance but now I sometimes think "he's not cute" and stuff like that and other times I change my mind”. If this is important to you then you must question yourself again as to what you mean when you say you love him. Is the question of his appearance a matter of clothes or does it concern his physique and how handsome he is? If you were to marry a handsome man would this be a majorfactor in determining a good marriage?

Look around you at all the handsome married men and observe their domestic lives. Then look at all the not so handsome men and their domestic lives. I think it would be hard to draw a conclusion. At the end of the day you need to be comfortable with each other. Just think how insulted he would be if you only consider him in terms of how he would look next to you, he would feel devalued, wouldn’t you? One wants to be respected and considered and appreciated for what one is.

Give the issue some deep thought before you discuss the marriage with him. Discuss the marriage! ! ! Yes, you should discuss it with him for you never know what you might be missing out on. You both still have much to learn about each other and then you can decide on both sides whether you should go ahead or separate – Jazak Allah Khayr.
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