Not Willing to Marry Me, But I Love Him So Much

Question and answer details
L (29-female-US)
Assalamu `Alaikum. Please advise me. I like a guy so much. I have known him for over a year and I have brought up the subject of marriage more than once. And even I have broken up with him several times, but I still end up letting things go and accept him back. He has admitted to have another girl and even though I abhor this, for some reason I have lived to accept it. And I don’t want to accept the truth.I keep hoping we would end up together. His reason for not marrying is that he is not ready. I know I am lying to myself and I know that I need to let him go. But I can't. Please help me. When I don’t talk to him I feel so depressed and as soon as he calls, texts or when we meet I feel happy. I have prayed to Allah SWT to help me ease the pain that this guy is putting me through, and to help me get out of this vicious cycle of breaking up/making up with him. I think he knows how I feel and he is taking it for granted and is also taking advantage of this. Please help. Should I pray to Allah to make this happen? Or pray to get away from this? But I wonder why I have to go through this when in my heart I have always wanted true relationship for marriage - the right way. Help me. What should I do?
Dr. ‘Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah

Assalamu `alaikum dear sister,

Thank you for your question. Islam has provided us with much wisdom in the area of relationships between men and women. Too often, we are not aware of how great this wisdom actually is, until we find ourselves in situations like the one you are in.

Islam encourages men and women to have pure and open intentions when getting involved in relationships. If those intentions to marry are not pure and not open, then we should avoid such relationships until we are ready for that kind of commitment. I think your example is yet another example of how true this teaching is. Your intentions are clearly pure, in that you want to marry this man. His, on the other hand, are not.

My advice to you is simple, but it will take a great amount of will power on your part. You should give this man a final ultimatum for marriage and if he refuses, then say goodbye to him and completely cut-off communications for good.

I know it’s easier said than done, but sometimes we have to experience pain in the short-term to allow us to have long-term happiness. That’s the price we must pay sometimes, but in the end it will be for the better.

I know, for I went through something similar when I was younger. I know how hard it is, how much it hurts and how you cannot see beyond what is happening to you right now, including a future without this man. Do not despair, though, for what you are feeling is normal. Things will change, though; that is something that can always be counted on in this life.

It sounds as if this man is not worth marrying anyway, given his two-faced nature and inability to commit to anything. I know you have strong feelings for him but you need to use your rational intellect here and try and see the situation without the bias of your feelings polluting what is really happening.

Don’t ever despair what Allah has planned for you. Insha-Allah there is a better man waiting for you in the future who will make a much better husband than this man would.

You must always keep hope in the promise of Allah and we must always strive to surrender ourselves to His Will, for He always knows what is best for His slaves, regardless of whether or not it is evident to us at the moment. Insha-Allah His Wisdom will manifest to us later, when we are not so emotionally attached to the situation.


I hope this helps. Please feel free to write us again if you have further questions.


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About the Counselor:

Dr. `Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah is a Research Fellow at the Institute for Social Science Study’s Community Education and Youth Studies Laboratory, Universiti Putra Malaysia. He received his B.A. from the University of Delaware (U.S.), his M.S. from Columbia University (U.S.) and his PhD from the Institute for Community & Peace Studies (PEKKA), Universiti Putra Malaysia in 2005 in the field of Youth Studies. Abd. Lateef is an American who has been living in Malaysia since 2001. He is married and has 2 children.

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. You are strongly advised to seek face-to-face counseling and consult your physician or therapist when making a drastic change in your lifestyle in terms of behavior, medication or diet etc.