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Pleasing Myself When Husband Is Away

Question and answer details
Muslimah
2014/08/06
As-salamu `alaykum. I have a problem and I'm extremely embarrassed by it. I'm a married woman and my husband is away visiting his other wife and children for 4 months! It's enough I have to constantly think about how he is going to sleep with another woman, but also I've always been a very sexually aroused woman.I've had troubles with sexual desires before getting married and my husband knows that. When we first got engaged they told me that he was going to divorce his wife because she was always a "bad" wife. Then after we got engaged I realized that he was going to stay with her, and that didn't bother me because he said he's not going to go back for 5 years. He was really serious about coming to America and staying for a while.However, in the 3 years we've been married he's already visited her and his children 5 times. This time he's staying for long months. I told him I cannot stay without a husband for 4 months. I was trying to make him understand what I meant by that. But he kept telling me "imagine how my other wife and children feel, I don't see them for 10 months".I definitely understand that he needs to see his wife and children. But I keep telling myself that I was kind of tricked, because if I knew he was going to be spending this much time away from me, I would have never agreed to the marriage. I know that I need sex, it's very important to me especially if I want to stay in my deen. I cannot control myself. I was against him going for 4 months but was forced to let go.Now I have been pleasing myself, but having thoughts of him. I don't please myself with thoughts of other men, just him. I feel disgusting and ashamed but I cannot control it. He should know that, he knows what happened to me before marriage. I've changed and become closer to my deen, but we, women, have desires that need to be fulfilled too.Please, tell me what to do, I think that God forbids if my husband had died, I wouldn't be doing this to myself knowing that he's not here anymore. But just the thought that he is allowed to have sex with another woman and I'm not is driving me crazy. But that's not the main issue. I need to be pleased, I feel like I'm not like most woman, I have a strong sexual desire. A reason gets married is for sutra. Technically when you're married, you're supposed to be with each other all the time so when you have sexual needs, your husband is right there. And therefore it is permissible for a woman to ask for a divorce if her husband does not sleep with her, because it is her right. And this is how I feel.Am I committing a sin when I please myself while thinking of him or not because of how I was "tricked" in this marriage? Please, reply asap. Thank you and jazak Allah khair.
On Islam Shari`ah Researchers
Answer

Wa `alaykum as-salamu wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear sister, thank you for trusting us and for your question that shows your interest to know more about Islam and your strong desire to be a good Muslim.

 

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First of all, we praise you for not being bothered by your husband’s tenacity of his first wife, as this is the starting point of solving your problem. Also, it would be great and appreciated if you do not deprive a wife (your fellow wife) and her kids of their breadwinner.

 

Moreover, if you bother yourself with this matter, you will get severely burdened with solicitude that may spoil all your life. So, we advise you to take it easy as long as your husband is good, as you haven not complained of his treat.

Saying this, we should not forget to remind your husband, and each husband, of his duty towards his wives if he is a polygamist. Indeed, he is ordained by Shari`ah to apply justice among his wives; he should deal justly among them, never preferring one to another, especially in his visits and absences.

As for your strong desire for the intimate relation with your husband, you can discuss the matter with him openly and calmly, and we are sure that you will find a compatible solution.

Regarding the sexual thinking of your husband during his absence, there is nothing wrong in that as long as you are thinking of him only. But, saying this, we should draw your attention not to let yourself exaggerate in these thoughts lest they should lead you to unknown danger.

To get over this problem, try to busy yourself in beneficial works or activities in order not to make space for these thoughts to control you. You can involve yourself in beneficial educational programs, participate in volunteering activities of the Islamic center, read books, memorize and read Qur’an, etc. Also, you can accompany your husband when he travels, if this is possible.

May Allah Almighty protect you, and us all, from all evils and lead us to His right path, amen.

Allah Almighty knows best.


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