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On Marital Abuse & Premarital Concerns

Counseling Session with Dr. Bachmeier
By Family Editorial Board
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Onislam Counseling
Counseling

Read the complete questions and answers of the counseling session with Dr. Maryam Bachmeier about the following issues:

  • Things to have in mind before considering marriage.
  • The Cycle of domestic violence and how to remain safe.
  • Dreams Interpretations.

 


 

Question: Conceiving a miracle!!!

Greetings, I have not been able to conceive a baby and I have a lot of dreams where I have positive pregnancy tests; doctor says I am pregnant. At the same time I dream of dirty toilets (pooh) and dream that I am taking huge amounts of chewing gum out of my mouth. Recent dream was about a baby who had soiled himself dramatically and he was eating his pooh, I tried so hard to make him stop, in my dream I thought if only I could have a bathroom so I would wash him with water!!! Sometimes I think that I want a baby so bad, that I am teased in my dreams (Satan), so I can have doubts about Allah's miracles, but I am still hopeful. I have turned down a fertility clinic twice. I really want to prove the doctors wrong, as my greatest wish is to say to them 'see, miracles do exist without human intervention.’ Love Lucy

Answer:

Assalam Alaykum dear sister,  

Thank you for writing in and sharing. I will begin with a discussion about the possible symbols of your dreams and then address your approach to life in general.

Dreaming about dirty toilets can represent a lot of anxiety, and possibly having some negative emotions and issues that you feel you need to clean up. Pooh is usually a symbol of anxiety, if it is your own pooh, then it is about the negative emotions that you are having and/or you want to process and let go of, much like pooh is something that naturally gets processed within our body, and then we let is out and we let it go.  We cannot feel better until we get it out and let it go.

Pooh can also be a symbol of shame, like if you are feeling some kind of shame that you need to resolve, you can have dreams of pooh, as if to symbolize parts of you that feels “dirty”.

Some interpreters would suggest that dreams of pooh can represent anxiety about money also.

Sometimes, pooh shows up in a dream when an individual is especially prideful or is trying to control the outcome of events, which also is a type of anxiety.

The chewing gum coming out of your mouth can indicate that you have a lot that you need and want to express. Perhaps you are finding difficulty finding the right words, and are having problems articulating and communicating what you feel is important, but you do feel a need to express something that may be huge and very important to you.

To dream of a baby eating his or her own pooh can mean something entirely different. Your dream could actually indicate that you are moving toward a new phase in your life where you will explore more aspect of yourself.

Babies in dreams usually mean an undeveloped aspect of your own self that needs to be nurtured and to grow. However, since your focus and desire is to literally get pregnant and give birth to a baby, the dream could symbolize the inappropriate level of control that you are trying to exert over the unfolding of life and this is causing you anxiety. In other words, you holding on to having a baby, even trying to force the universe into giving you the miracle that you feel you must have in order to be happy, may actually be the source of your discontent.

No one can tell you what your dreams mean, but these are some ideas that seem to be universal themes among the diverse cultures within the collective whole of human unconscious. Consider them and then see if any of them fit for you or perhaps help you to come closer to what is happening within your own subconscious.

About your desire to conceive a baby; you cannot dictate what Allah’s will for you is. When you let go of your own preconceived notions of what Allah should give you, you will make room for what Allah has already given you and that is what will take form in your life.

Whether your destiny is to have children or to contribute to humanity in some other way, if you only allow your life to unfold and surrender your little dreams for the big dream that Allah has for you, you will find that His DREAM for you is better than anything you could have dreamt up on your own.

When we are submitting our own will to the will of Allah, we open the door for Him to work through us. Life unfolds from there and we find ourselves experiencing and doing things that we may have never imagined on our own. We are all given talents and skills and wisdoms that are unique that Allah can and will use if we step aside and let Him direct the show.

If you were able to control life and the universe and make this miracle that you feel you want so badly to occur, and you did just that, you might find that you are not happy with what you’ve created. It is when you cooperate with Allah and thus Life, that you can receive the good and happiness from the experiences that Allah gives you.

The attitude that you are going to prove to the doctors that they are wrong and that Allah will grant you your greatest wish, is one in which you believe that you are superior to Allah and that you somehow have a right to order Allah to bring into existence that which you believe you want. This is a very dangerous way to think as you continuously find disappointment from this position.

Allah created you and it is from Him that you received the breath of life. How much better it would be for you to put your life that Allah created into His hands and then allow it to unfold in the way that He would have your life unfold. You will have a lot less anxiety and you will open the door to His will which is always good. And this is the way to bring good into your life, whatever form it is destined to take.

Salam.


 

Question:  Marital abuse issue

My husband is very short tempered and at times reacts harshly when things are not according to his will. In my 4 years married life we had word fights and he also bit me. I didn’t tell his anger problem to neither my family nor his. But he didn’t overcome his problem. Now kids are growing up and he is getting more aggressive. last week we again had a fight and he unconsciously tried to kill me. I had a finger fracture and severe injuries. Right now I’m at my sister place and my husband is apologizing and wants me to come back. Please guide me, on what basis do I agree to go with him?

Answer:

Assalam Alaykum dear sister,  

You did the right thing by getting safe. It usually takes years if a man is going to be able to work through his own issues of impulse control and learn how to manage his own emotions, especially if he has been violent.

Domestic violence has a cycle. There is often a “honeymoon” period where the abuser might feel some remorse and will want to make up to the spouse. The problem is this “honeymoon” period is short lived. Unless you break the cycle, it will not only happen again, but each time, the violence usually gets worse. He might just kill you as this does happen.  The “honeymoon” period usually gets shorter and shorter; and whatever it is that is bothering the man, the resentments from the past arguments etc. compound the volatile emotional climate; and arguments become even more intense with the probability of more and more intense violence becoming imminent.

My advice to you is to get counseling for yourself and for your children. You can be firm and hold healthy boundaries with your husband and let him know that if there is any hope in salvaging your marriage in the future, that everyone needs to complete counseling.

You don’t want to live with a man who has become this violent until many, many issues are resolved and until both of you have learned new communication and coping skills and ways to regulate emotion.

The risk is very serious if you go back at this time. You don’t have to tell him you are leaving him, but that you want to be separated until all this work is done. Be aware that this might trigger even more violence, so if you need to get a restraining order to be safe, do whatever you have to do, but keep yourself and your children safe.

Salaam.

 


 

Question: Problem before we get married

I recently met a guy about 7 months ago while I was on holiday in Africa, after a couple of months of getting to know each other we decided to get married I told my family and he told everything was fine until 3 months ago where I  noticed he started to become distant he wouldn’t call me as much as he used to, it got to the point where he wasn’t calling me at all, it would also be me calling him, I confronted him about it and he told me that he had something going on and that he will tell me soon, so I assumed it was maybe a family issues and thought nothing of it, however last month he told me that before we met that he had something he was ashamed about which was he committed zina with another woman who happened to be older than him and have 4 children he also told me she was pregnant, he said that a few days after they committed zina she told him she was pregnant, he said she also told him before they slept together that she was pregnant he told me then that after she told him this that he said it couldn’t be his, she then left the country which he said he didn’t hear from her until 3 months ago which was when he started acting weird, I then told him I wanted time to think and come to a decision of what I was going to do after a couple days of thinking I then thought who is a better decider than Allah SWT NO ONE so I put my trust and belief in him, I put it in the hands of Allah SWT and I thought everybody makes mistakes this lady was far into her pregnancy was soon to give birth, she now gave birth a couple of days ago and this is all weighing on my head I don’t want to live with is he  or is he not the father of this baby, I’m only 20 I’ve never been married before, I don’t want to get myself in to this situation, I now want to give him an ultimatum that he needs to get a DNA test, if the baby turns out to be his then it’s the end of the road, however if it is not then I’m willing to give it a shot.  What could you advise me?

Answer:

Assalam Alaykum dear sister,  

I suggest you slow way, way down on this one. Nothing sounds right from the story. For one thing, from a scientific and medical perspective, a woman would not know if she was pregnant three days after intercourse. Even if an egg is fertilized and a woman can discover this through some type of test, that does not mean that the fertilized egg attached itself to the womb. This woman does not seem to be an honest woman, but she does seem to be a woman that had interested this person that you are considering marriage with.

One way to get an idea of what kind of man a male individual is, is by the company that he keeps. This male that you are considering to marry does not seem to know what he wants. That is much more of an issue than if he had a child on the way, which is also a very huge issue. If you want a monogamous marriage with one man and one woman, then this man is probably not the man for you, at least, not at this time.

I suggest that you take more time in getting to know a suitor’s beliefs, values, goals, personality, and priorities before you even consider talking about marriage. Then if your beliefs, values, goals, personalities and priorities are compatible with each other, you can discuss life issues and see if you are compatible in areas such as working, finding a home and how many, if any, children you want to have with each other.

Feelings of attraction and even attachment are not enough to make a marriage work. Compatibility is very important to assess.  Although marriage is always a risk, if you examine the level of compatibility that you have with a suitor you increase the probability that you will succeed.

Before you can even assess compatibility with a suitor, you need to know what your own beliefs, goals, values and priorities are. You also need to have an idea of what type of a man might be compatible with you, and what you are hoping for in a marriage. Are you hoping for relationship? Children? Mutual support?

There are a lot of life questions that need to be answered by you first before you even make yourself available for marriage. So, consider slowing down a bit. Get to know yourself, observe this suitor behaviors, and then decide if this is really someone that you want to live the rest of your life with.

Salaam.

 


 

Question: A dream at Fajr time

I had a dream that somebody I don’t know called me beautiful after I asked them how do I look, after saying this the person walked away.  What does this mean?

Answer:

Assalam Alaykum dear sister,  

When we see another person in our dream and have a conversation with that individual, we are usually seeing an aspect of ourselves. In this case, the person in your dream is the judging part of your own self. You are questioning yourself. This beauty that you are wondering about and wondering whether or not it exists within you may be more than physical beauty.

You may be wondering about your own character. But in some way, you are examining yourself and trying to decide what you think about yourself. Apparently, you passed the test, and you do possess the beauty that you are concerned about. Perhaps you are physically beautiful, or perhaps you have a beautiful character or spirit or soul. But, you are beautiful in one or more ways and deep down inside, you know this is the truth about yourself.

This is a very good dream. You can have the confidence now that you do not need to worry about the issue of beauty. Just be true to Allah and to yourself, and you will continue to possess this beauty.

Salaam.

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